Broadway Play Features Promo with Cast All Wearing Black, So Get Ready to Lock the Fuck In

by Ben Schrager. Instagram: @ben.schrager. Bluesky: @benschrager.bsky.social

NEW YORK, NY. – The marquee for Cort McClintock’s new play Elder Flower was revealed this morning, featuring the entire cast wearing all black, and that can only mean one thing: it is time to lock the fuck in, motherfuckers.

“I didn’t know much about the play before the marquee went up,” said Jan Furlinger, a local Nuts 4 Nuts cart owner and pedicab truther. “But seeing that cast all dressed in black and staring straight at the camera has me ready to run through a goddamn brick wall. That’s the type of promo pic that tells you they’re not fucking around.”

The four hour play, whose subtitle “A Silent Poem of Immutable Longing” has us foaming at the mouth, features the playwright amongst its cast.

“Initially, the marketing team had us all in bright colors, but I put my foot down, and told them to level the fuck up,” said Mr. McClintock, who insisted that we face away from him for the entire duration of our interview. “There was weeping. People lost their jobs. But in the end, it was worth it, since we got a promo pic of all of us in a nondescript white space wearing black outfits that would make Sanford Meisner purr like a little kitty cat. That is what we call art.”

Yvette Porter was one of the marketing team members to lose her job because she was not locked the fuuuuuck in. She’s still trying to make sense of the ordeal. 

“I said something about wanting to showcase everyone’s personalities in the photo, and then Cort stared me down and told me showcasing personality is for birthday clowns and strippers,” said Porter, while handing out leaflets about the so-called Pedicab Mafia. “When I suggested that they all do a fun one, he told me my father never loved me and I was fired on the spot.”

Some individuals who haven’t seen the ad yet are still skeptical of the pic’s impact.

“I mean, I just don’t get it,” said Harold Nesmith, an IRS auditor who does not realize how much he’s about to lock the fuck in. “Show me the cast photo, what could possibly be so intense about it that–oh my God, that one actress in the cast is sitting on a ladder, holy shit, Cort McClintock can grind my bones into dust and snort it, that’s brilliant.”