by Devin Wallace. @thedevinwallace.
GROVE CITY, OH - Parents in the Grove City School District announced their relief that the High School Drama Club would not be able to put on their controversial production of Spring Awakening, citing the students’ absolute lack of musical theatre gravitas.
“I was prepared to make flyers, organize a rally, and petition the school board to stop this show,” said local pastor Jim Ralston, as he recycled his “Spring Awakening = Sin Awakening” posters. “But a few years ago I saw their version of Shrek and realized there’s no need. The only sin these kids will be committing is shaky falsetto,” added Ralston, before loudly listing the other sins present in that musical, including female knees.
Brenda Palmer, parent of two daughters in Drama Club, was thankful the group had all of the enthusiasm and none of the talent to put on a more adult-themed production.
“I’ve made it fifteen years without talking to my kid about sex,” said Palmer while fast-forwarding through the diner scene in When Harry Met Sally. “Does that make me a bad parent? Maybe. But I’m also a realistic parent. So unless a genie turned my daughter Eileen into Idina Menzel while I was gettin’ the car washed, I’m in the clear,” noted Palmer, who once told her daughters that “no one really knows what Rent is about.”
Even those within the Drama Club were thankful all forty-three students involved were incapable of doing the simplest grapevine without descending into abject confusion.
“There is nothing more sacred to me than free artistic expression,” said director and ninth grade history teacher Kevin McMurphy. “That’s why I’m thrilled I don’t have to defend those principles with my rag-tag group of wanna-be Lea Micheles, resume-stuffing Seniors, and that one weirdly energetic 7th grader who just sort of showed up. I mean, I’d also sue the school if I saw Kyle DiStefano try to hit the high G in Jesus Christ Superstar.”
At press time, parents and faculty alike are celebrating this rare show of unity across the political spectrum, one capped by the unanimous approval of the Drama Club putting on Mary Poppins for the third year in a row.