Opinion: Laurie Metcalf Walked So Laurie Metcalf Could Run
Updated: Apr 3, 2021
by Evan Zelnick. @MandyMooron.
From the Steppenwolf Theater Company to the Great White Way, acclaimed actor Laurie Metcalf has used those Metcalves of steel to get a leg up on her stiffest and only real competition: her fucking self.
Metcalf earned a Bachelor of Arts in theatre at Illinois State University in 1976. Former classmates recalled her cutthroat nature, saying she’d often “shave their heads” while they slept.
“She wanted it,” an anonymous bald former classmate sobbed. Legend has it she used the hair to create wigs for some of her most famous characters, while the rest of the hair she simply mixed with butter and enjoyed on toast.
Laurie won her first Obie for her role in Balm in Gilead. Her head-turning acceptance speech was pregnant with classic LM determination:
“I wanted a fucking Tony. Metcalf out.” She then clenched her fist and propelled herself through the auditorium, while exposing herself and urinating on her competitors. Attendees called the performance “acidic”.
In 2008, Metcalf relocated to NYC to continue thwarting her enemies. She soon starred in four theatrical productions, including David Mamet’s November and Neil Simon’s Brighton Beach Memoirs, collecting more unsought Obies.
Laurie’s wrath ultimately culminated in winning that long-coveted Tony Award for Lucas Hnath’s A Doll’s House, Part 2. She won the award again a year later for her portrayal in Three Tall Women.
Triumphant and peerless, Metcalf had gotten what she came for. Her acceptance speech for the second and win began by pointing out fellow nominees while muttering:
“Loser, loser, loser, loser. Who ordered the loser soup?”
Then she broke her Tony in half, faked out the audience by pretending to eat it, and stabbed the producer of the ceremony in his heart.
You know who’s responsible for her achieving this feat?
Laurie Katherine Beatrice Anne Heche Metcalf, that’s who. And if you don’t believe her, she’ll fucking kill you.