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Opinion: If Our Cast Is Like a “Second Family”, Then Why Can’t I Borrow Your Car, Stephen?

Updated: Apr 3, 2021

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

Dear Stephen Bellick and the Cast of Thoroughly Modern Millie,

Stephen, you recently noted backstage how our cast is like a “second family” to you, and how much you love and appreciate each of us individually and as a team. It’s surprising to hear, as just last week I asked to borrow your car for a few hours to pick up some groceries and maybe my cousin Douggggie from the airport and also some weed, and you said no. Is that how you treat your family?

I get it - you’re playing Jimmy Smith for goodness sake! Meanwhile, I’m just in the ensemble. But the Bloomington, Indiana Community Theater program is a place of principles. If you think of us as family, you’d better treat us as family. So, the next time I ask you for $20 for lunch and also some weed, you should pay up. It’s what I imagine you do for your other kids, Sarah and Liam, and I see no reason why me, someone three years younger than you that you’ve known for like two months, should be treated any different.

This isn’t just you, by the way.

Caitlyn Johnson - aka the incomparable Miss Dorothy Brown - what gives? Last week you said I reminded you of your brother, and this week you said “what? I don’t know” when I asked you where the remote was, even though we weren't in my house. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:

THIS *clap* IS *clap* NOT *clap* HOW *clap* FAMILIES *clap* BEHAVE *clap* I *clap* THINK *clap* ANYWAY *clap* I *clap* RAISED *clap* MYSELF *clap*.

In conclusion, please choose your words carefully. Last week our Director, Samantha Grenty, had the gusto to say she saw some real potential for my future. Then she refused to donate to my Senatorial campaign (I am unqualified and am actually not sure what the Senate is). I hope you’re happy.

So, during our next rehearsal, please refrain from describing any of us as family unless you’re willing to love me unconditionally, support me at every turn, and spot me just like $10 for parking and also some weed.


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