by Devin Wallace. @thedevinwallace.
Listen son, your mother and I are going to be in the audience tonight. You know I don’t “get” this “musical theater” shindig, but you’re doing it, so you better give it your all. Do it the right way, understand? Go out there and just give yourself a damn solo.
You won’t get noticed standing behind a gangly 12th grader beefing up his college application. Step out front and really rip those pipes. People paid $9.75 to be here. Give them what they want: unprompted, out-of-place a capella singing.
It doesn’t even have to be from this show. What’s that song everyone loves? Pharrell. Sing Pharrell. I love that song.
I think we’ve had our fill of Beverly McCormick’s kid belting god-knows-what every single year. Isn’t she gonna run out of air? Sheesh, save some for the rest of us. It’s your time to shine.
It doesn't even have to be during the show! Get out there at intermission. Do it during the raffle. I don’t believe in raffles. They’re rackets, bunch of scams. Everyone donates the money back anyway! Why the dog-and-pony show if you can’t even keep the cash? I’m being shamed on a Sunday afternoon in a freakin’ auditorium. You know that’s exactly what Mao Zedong did.
Make sure to really belt it out. I’m not missing the Knicks pregame just to see your mouth move. Let me hear those lyrics, kid.
My only theater role may have been the anniversary where I took your mother to see Lion King and accurately critiqued the movement patterns of the hyenas during the performance, but I know my stuff. Most of that stuff is about the movement patterns of hyenas. But, I also know what it takes to be successful. I didn’t become the regional sales manager of a very adequate auto parts distributor by standing in the back. You’ve got to give yourself the role of regional sales manager for a very adequate auto parts distributor, in the form of a solo.
Go out there, put on that weird little newsboy cap, and give ‘em hell.