by Bryan Jager. @bmwpjager.
ENDICOTT, NY - At the local, beloved Mid-State Community Theater, the talents of over a hundred ego-centric actors who planned their own solo productions of A Christmas Carol are converging to create one singular production of A Christmas Carol already being heralded as “there.” “It’s a stroke of genius. Take all of these actors, each of whom are embodying upwards of fifty characters in an evening, and divide those roles amongst all of them! Crazy, I know,” noted artistic director Jack McGreengland while accepting an “Innovator of the Year” medal. “We’re so humbled to be home to all of these incredible artists with no sense of a personal life this holiday. It’s like a theatrical pot-luck, in that every actor brought their own costumes and props. Well, all except for that cheapskate, Patrick Stewart. But we threw his minimalist-ass right out.” The question arose over who would get to take on the main role of Scrooge, with all one hundred and twenty two actors assuming they’d be the one to play him. One of the candidates, Connecticut native Ron Morgans, broke down the selection process. “Well after the first read through, which was just all of us shouting Scrooge’s lines amongst occasional moments of silence, we realized we had to pick someone,” noted Morgans in between complaining about how he did not get the part. “But with the director consumed with Patrick Stewart’s ongoing lawsuit against him, we created our own method for choosing the role.”
He continued to break down the rigorous process.
“We imagined all of our productions coming together, like a Power Rangers Megazord, and whomever was the head would get Scrooge. I knew I would just be an arm or some sword… accessory… thing, but I can’t believe everyone really thought Jefferson Mays would be the head!” While many sources agree that Jefferson Mays WOULD be the head, we also spoke with another actor to lose out on Scrooge, creator and star of A Chanukah Carol, Jackie Hoffman. “They made me Tiny Tim because they thought I’d be the easiest for Jefferson Mays to pick up and carry on his shoulders. Little do they know I’m filling my pockets with my residual earnings from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory in the currency of solid gold bars. Lets see if the fucker can support THAT.” “A Christmas Carol” will be available to stream this holiday season for the low, low pandemic conscious rental price of $600.
What’s that?
Oh, NOW you consider that a lot of money?