We’re Saved! Norm Lewis Hits Note So Low It Causes Seismic Shift, Fully Reversing Climate Change
by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
NEW YORK, NY - Thankful alert! Actor and Broadway baritone Norm Lewis has reportedly hit a vocal note so low that it caused a seismic shift within the earth’s core and fully reversed the negative effects of climate change, relieved sources confirmed.
“I was just doing some vocal exercises and decided to really go for it, and next thing I knew the ground was shaking and the trees were blooming slower, which apparently is a good thing” noted Lewis, who is a Tony, Grammy and now Nobel Peace Prize nominee. “I’m happy to have helped, but sadly I have to retire, as scientists are afraid my next low note could reverse things even more and leave our planet overrun by polar bears.”
Musical theatre fans worldwide - as well as just general fans of being alive - rejoiced in the face of Lewis’s life-changing riff.
“I can finally have children! Which is great, cause my friends are sick of me playing the Hadestown cast recording, so I need someone new to show it to,” noted theatre fanatic Jessa Kirben, as a news report on the TV behind her shows glaciers re-freezing in real time. “Wait, I just realized we have Norm to thank for Hadestown too. God, this guy just keeps on giving!”
Climate change experts continue to see the stunning results of Norm Lewis’s accidental life-saver.
“Sea levels are down, heat waves are dissipating, and the ice on rivers and lakes is no longer cracking. This is maybe the best thing he’s done since Porgy and Bess. But, you know, only maybe,” noted Dr. Kata Roberts, who plans to publish an academic journal on the event as soon as she decides between “Back to NORMal” or “No, Norm, THIS Is the Life!” as the title. “He did more to solve climate change before breakfast than we could do with hundreds of dollars in government funding.”
At press time, the United Nations was putting together a group of other notable baritones to address issues such as the world economy, religious conflict, and education, with Brian Stokes Mitchell, George Hearn and Michael Cerveris leading the charge. Alternatively, an evil, plotting Kristin Chenowith was heard dipping into her whistle-tone in an attempt to undo Lewis’s changes.