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Non-COVID Related Death Rate Also Spikes After Sweeney Todd Reopens Barbershop

by Justin Ayer. @justinayer (Twitter). @justayer (Instagram).

LONDON - As lockdowns are lifted and small business owners are allowed to open their doors, all are learning to live with new safety measures. Masks, face shields and more have provided far safer working environments for all. Although businesses reopening despite these measures may be leading to a spike in COVID-19 diagnosis and death rates, non-COVID related deaths are also on the uptick, with local forces pointing to the barbershop owned by a local Mr. Todd as the culprit, sources confirmed.


“Business is booming!” says small business owner, Sweeney Todd. “Before the pandemic, business was pretty average, but now that we’re allowed to give haircuts again, there’s been a line out the door. Everyone wants a haircut. Men, Women, Priests, Rabbis - Hell, even Boris Johnson is on the waiting list. Yes, some people have gone missing right after getting a haircut, but there’s no connection.”


Even as the death rate for the area has spiked despite the COVID-19 cases dropping, neighbors are defending Todd’s business.


“He’s really brought so many to the neighborhood during a trying time,” says neighbor and restaurant owner, Mrs. Lovett. “We were all hit hard by the closing of the businesses around here. Meat prices were ridiculous and sometimes you couldn’t even find it in the store. I never had trouble before the lockdown. Mr. Todd was busy and so was I. And now, business is better than ever.”


Business is thriving for this small neighborhood post-lockdown, but the concern over the local death rate is still prevalent.


“I always support small businesses but something ain’t right about that barber and his guests,” noted Local D list celebrity and former hair model, Tobias “Toby” Ragg. “Sweeney’s been kind to me and all, but I see more people going in than coming out of that barbershop. Mrs. Lovett, though, is a staple of the community. I just don’t like how Sweeney treats her sometimes. Ya smell that? Fresh pies are on gotta go!”


Editor's Note: A journalist on this story was given free meat pies and then a complimentary haircut before mysteriously disappearing. Any information on his whereabouts is appreciated.