Site-Specific Production of NEXT TO NORMAL Revealed as Trap to Get Tenors in Therapy

by Izzy Knapp. @izzyknapptheatre.

BROOKLYN, New York — A site-specific production of Next to Normal, staged at Mount Sinai, has been revealed as an elaborate ploy to force tenor MTs into talk therapy. 

“I was caught entirely off-guard,” says Jake Williams, a sophomore at Pace and the (self-proclaimed) “next Jeremy Jordan.” “I was sitting there, and about halfway through ‘My Psychopharmacologist and I,’ the psychopharmacologist started asking ME questions. Before I knew it, we were all assigned individual doctors and given 45 minutes to talk, free of charge. I didn’t even get to hear my favorite song.” (“I’m Alive,” which he performed for his Carnegie Mellon callback at Chicago Unifieds.)

Dr. Samantha Velasquez, a leading New York psychologist, credits two main inspirations for the experiment.

“My apartment is in Bushwick, so I live amongst almost exclusively current and past BFAs. I listened to their interactions through our painfully thin walls, and one fact became clear: these young men suffer from inflated egos and avoidant attachment styles. It’s a recipe for emotional unavailability,” says Velasquez, clutching a poster for the site-specific A Chorus Line revival.”

"A Chorus Line both introduced me to the site-specific production and provided additional evidence that a tenor’s hubris can follow him post-grad, even into a directing or producing role.” 

Jeanie Park, Williams’ “low-commitment situationship,” praises the experiment for the impact it’s had on Williams.  

“The progress I’ve seen in Jake since his session is remarkable,” states Park, while steaming Williams’ newsboy cap for his Don’t Tell Mama performance of “Santa Fe.”

“His communication skills have increased tenfold. Here, look at the snap he just sent me!” Park shared a blurry photo of Williams’ jaw in purple lighting, captioned “what are u doing.”

“Isn’it it amazing!” Before the session, I would’ve been lucky to get a WYD! At this rate, I might even get him to take me on a date!”

At press time, Williams doesn’t plan to return to counseling, claiming that there is no time for it between his Substack, part-time job at Starbucks, and hypothetical summer stock contract this June. However, Velasquez states that Williams is an exception to the rule.

The majority of participants returned when promised that they would get to hear the last 32 bars of “Superboy and The Invisible Girl” after six weeks.