by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
MEDFORD, Or. - Researchers at the Medford Nature & Theatre Clinic revealed today that altos in the wild are likely more afraid of you than you are of them, and should be approached as such, the bevy of scientific data confirmed.
“They may act aggressive, and you may see them circling some particularly low notes in moments of great duress,” noted Dr. Hannah Jecomby, who has dedicated her life to the study of these beautiful yet volatile creatures. “It’s a fear response, but no less dangerous. Perhaps try approaching them with a handful of fresh berries, or a new technique for remedying lower jaw pain. But, when in doubt, make sure you never run - altos find a thrill in the hunt.”
Research shows that at least eight ensemble members are injured each year by interactions with altos in the wild, resulting in at least three cast resignations by either party. Chorus member Dave Ters recounted his harrowing encounter.
“You think ‘hey, we’re all in the same show, surely there won’t be any problems’, but we have our nature, and they have theirs,” claimed Ters, who claims his encounter was similar to that of The Revenant. “Nature is a fickle thing. One second you’re all zip zap zopping together, and the next you’re playing dead after stepping on their middle C during warmup.”
Altos, though, are only a small portion of the facility’s groundbreaking, albeit niche, findings.
“When in search of warm salt water and Tylenol, bass singers can actually go from friendly to constantly saying ‘I can’t right now, please, seriously’ to anyone that speaks to them,” noted Dr. Henry Bell Porridge, who has spent decades studying musical theatre performers by attending shows and charging the tickets and maybe some wine and merch to the facility as a “business expense”. “Additionally, never - and I mean never - hug a soprano. You don’t want them to get your scent.”
At press time, the facility requested a government grant of over $10 million so they can begin research on additional phenomena, such as “is that guy who always shows up the director’s husband or just a close friend?”; “is that head voice or is a teapot boiling?”; and, of course, “is that tenor doing a funny voice or are they just like that, and which one is worse?”