by Audrey Clark. @audreynotfunny.
GLADESVILLE, NSW - Reviews are in for Gladesville Community Theatre Company’s production of Chicago, and there’s one thing everybody agrees on: your friend Daniel’s mum was getting way too horny up there.
“Holy hell, Daniel’s mum was frothing,” said Chris Nguyen, a classmate of Daniel’s who will definitely be giving him a world of shit for this come Monday. “Everything about her performance was so horny: her body language, her facial expressions, I swear I heard her moaning at some points. She wasn’t even in a horny role, she was just ensemble.”
The show’s director, one of those ladies from your church whose name you don’t remember, disavowed any responsibility for Daniel’s mum’s highly sexual performance.
“Well, of course we expect some light eroticism. I mean, it’s Fosse,” she explained, double checking her DVD of the film adaptation to see if it's rated NC-17. “I certainly never instructed any of my actors to engage in that kind of sensual grinding, or to sing with such an orgasmically breathy tone. It may be Chicago, but it’s community theatre Chicago. There are children watching – specifically, her son Daniel, and all of his friends from school.”
Daniel’s mum, whose name you have never learned, had no regrets about her aggressively raunchy behaviour.
“Oh, I don’t think it’s anything to be embarrassed about!” she laughed, clipping a pair of Daniel’s underpants to her washing line. “If you ask me, the theater is the perfect place to let your inner goddess bloom. Who says a mum can’t be a sexual diva? Besides, if you thought that was randy, you should see what Daniel’s father and I get up to when Daniel’s at football practice!”
Daniel himself has not made a public appearance since opening night, dedicating most of his time to researching the best way to transfer schools, move countries, or fake his own death.