by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
MISSION HEADQUARTERS - It’s all going according to plan. Representatives from a secret government mission to have theatre kids infiltrate the film industry has been deemed a success, following actor Ariana DeBose winning the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress during a star-studded operation, shadowy sources confirmed.
“Things always get dicey when Judi Dench is involved, but we never questioned Agent A.D.’s ability to get the job done,” noted Captain Ziegfield, who chose their code name both because of the famed producer and because it sounded cool. “After Agent [REDACTED] botched their mission back in September, we knew it was up to Ariana to deliver. There’s no telling what would happen if she failed. People would have died, though.”
At press time, a covert mission to infiltrate the world of Major League Baseball via Broadway’s Take Me Out was also going well. An anonymous source - speaking through a voice changer that made them sound like Anthony Rapp for some reason - noted that the takeover might have even been over at this point if the academy would have just nominated In The Heights.