by Emily Claypoole. @playdohpoole.
WEST VILLAGE, NYC – Historic piano bar and musical theatre sing-a-long spot Marie’s Crisis announced that they will be scrapping their long held 2 drink minimum in favor of a 3 drink maximum, in devastating news for theater kids and bachelorette parties alike.
“We love to make money, but every night I feel like my head is going to explode,” complained longtime bartender Mark Jenkins, cringing away from an off key shrieking riff from the end of the bar. “The drunker they get, the more confident they are. The more confident they are, the more they believe their screaming will get the attention of ‘someone in casting’.”
Jenna Morgenson, a recent Tisch graduate and straight person who frequents West Village gay bars, was horrified to discover the change in policy.
“I just turned 21, so my fun at Marie’s has literally just begun. I always thought Marie’s was more than just a historic piano bar: it's also somewhere that I can get absolutely blasted with someone who works at Telsey,” Morgenson cooed as she clutched her ‘ingenue look’ headshot in her sweaty, nail-bitten fingers. “I just shine the best 6 -11 drinks in. It really frees up my voice.”
Theresa Cahill, a casting director who said she would rather “cast Jeffrey Tambor in La Cage again” before setting foot in Marie’s Crisis on a Friday night, was relieved to hear of the change.
“With this maximum, I can to go to Marie’s without drunk, brazen AMDA graduates screlting in my ear and asking me what Gavin Creel is like all night,” Cahill commented as a group of 20-somethings who clearly just got out of class at BDC eyed her from across the bar, simmering. “Without all that alcohol, these kids don’t have the balls to approach me or even ask who I am. Thank god.”
Following the institution of the new rule, management has reported an uptick in 40-year-old actors who have long since quit drinking, citing that an environment of shameless sober self promotion is all they need to get their big break.