OPINION: Maria Listing Doorbells as One of Her Favorite Things is Fucking Psychotic
by Rebecca Ballinger. @reberkk.
SALZBURG, AUSTRIA – Listen, we at The Broadway Beat like to keep our cutting-edge journalism unbiased and reputable, but someone’s gotta say it: Maria listing doorbells as one of her favorite things is off-the-wall batshit bananas.
Let me pull it back for a second to admit the rest of her list makes sense. Raindrops on roses? Dope. Whiskers on kittens? Great. Bright copper kettles, warm woolen mittens? This is an A+ gratitude journal entry if I’ve ever seen one. And the mindfulness exercise goes on to list the cutest Austrian shit you could think of. The mention of wild geese with the moon on their wing is controversial, sure, but I’ve got a 350-word limit so we’re going to press on.
But then this unhinged flibbertigibbet tries to slip in the most nonsensical household device she could think of like we wouldn’t notice. Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles. In what world do doorbells rank before sleigh bells? In what world do doorbells contain the same whimsy as schnitzel?
Tormented by this query at 3AM, as I often am, I pace my room trying to rationalize her ludicrous choice. I hypothesize that perhaps the doorbell was the latest in household technology. Maybe, for argument’s sake, the doorbell was to the 1930s what the air fryer is to the 2020s.
However, a simple Google search reveals that the doorbell was invented in 1831, one hundred and seven goddamned years before this manic pixie dream nun constructed this abomination of a list. So actually, the doorbell was to the 1930s more like what the toaster is to the 2020s. Not one person has been excited about a toaster in 50 years.
It would be irresponsible if I did not mention Maria made this list on the eve of World War II. Between her fascist butler, the punk-ass telegram kid, and a suspiciously-blonde baroness, the Von Trapp residence was essentially a watering hole for the master race.
Maria has the Nazi party at her literal doorstep and she’s gonna boldly claim doorbells are cool? Sing Edelweiss all you want, girl, that’s still highly sus.