by J.R. Gudeon. @j.r.__gudeon.
BROOKLYN, NY - 25-year-old actor Michael Greer was recently declared a “medical marvel” for his ability to identify notes out of thin air while also being physically incapable of hearing negative feedback.
“I met Michael when he came in to see if he could achieve ‘beyond-perfect pitch',” said ear Doctor Diane Pollard while swatting a Q-tip away from another patient’s ear canal. “He responded well to the good news, but when I pivoted to telling him he needed to rest, his eyes glazed over and his jaw went slack. He then shook himself awake, thanked me ‘for the praise', and grape-vined out of my office.”
Greer, the man at the center of it all, offered insight into his experience of being diagnosed with what Dr. Pollard calls “selective hearing.”
“It was confusing. She gave me a lot of great notes but then started mumbling as if underwater,” said Greer after offering unsolicited vocal advice to a toddler singing his ABCs. “I’m just glad I’m able to use my gift for good. I love helping those in need and getting nothing but gratitude in return.”
While it seemed that the diagnosis could prompt a shift in Greer’s behavior, his current musical director, Brett Howard, revealed that no progress has been made.
“Michael is incredibly talented, but it’s difficult to tell him when he’s doing something wrong,” said Howard trembling in a corner. “The only way I can get him to make a change is to turn my critiques into a song and have him sing it. Only when he hears it out of his mouth does he make an adjustment. Then he acts like it was his idea.”
Sources confirm that a worrisome side effect is Greer’s slanted perception of reality. At press time, Greer maintained that he had never lost out on a role, been broken up with, or received a parking ticket.