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Man Disappointed Nothing Spooky Happened After Seeing "Beetlejuice" a Third Time

by Alec Brown. @brownta3.

NEW YORK, NY - Nathan Qualls, a 47-year-old self proclaimed Beetle-Head, was shocked and heartbroken by the lack of anything spooky or ookey happening to him upon his third time seeing “Beetlejuice the Musical” this week, sources have confirmed.


“I mean, it’s like the biggest theme in the movie,” Qualls said. “You mean to tell me that the producers didn’t plan for any zany post-show hauntings for fans who bought orchestra tickets three times? I’m sure Tim Burton’s rolling over in the grave he sleeps in,” he added, checking the lunar calendar for the next full moon.

  

Qualls reported constantly checking his closet and under his bed for any fun, union-sponsored treats, but was left spookless. Box Office Manager Bethany Finkle was equally confused but for a different reason. 


“Wait, someone saw the show three times?” questioned Finkle while on her break. “I mean, we can’t make any ghouls appear or any fun, trippy nightmare adventures happen in his attic, cause that's just not a thing. Maybe we can give him a T-shirt or something?” 


Alex Brightman, a Tony nominee for the musical’s titular role, was furious to learn that nothing had been done to make this a special experience for his die-hard fan.


“Theatre is all about making magic happen! Have you seen how much I’m doing on stage? I’m literally shredding my vocal chords, because when someone walks through the doors of the Winter Garden, I want all of their nightmares to come true,” noted Brightman as he put on his stage makeup.  “If he wants to get spooked, I’ll spook him! I’ll do anything to make an audience member happy. Want me to follow him home and deeply, unforgivably frighten him? I’ll do it. I swear I will.” 


At press time, sources have confirmed that Qualls filed a restraining order against Brightman, who has been jumping out of bushes daily in an attempt to scare him in what he calls “true fan service.”