by Caitlin Berg. @caitlinhberg on twitter, @caitlinberg on Insta.
NEW YORK, NY - Finally! Scientists have discovered an easy, step-by-step guide to help you love yourself even though you used the #YayHamlet hashtag in 2016.
“We noticed a strong correlation between a lack of confidence and self love among anyone who used the hashtag,” said Dr. Megan Shore, shortly after ceremoniously sending a Lin-Manuel Miranda Funko Pop into the sea on Instagram live. “That’s why I created an easy five step plan to fix yourself:
One: Remember that, unfortunately, Hamilton is really good.
Two: Feel no shame in liking things that are good.
Three: Know that culture in 2016 was different. You had no concept of ‘cringe’.
Four: Make a list of the ways you have changed since 2016.
And finally, five: Know that no matter how bad you were about Hamilton, at least you didn’t call yourself a ‘fansie’ in 2012.”
Steve Baird, former Hamilton superfan, was near tears when asked about Shore’s plan.
“This is a personal matter to me. I lived #YayHamlet, the jokes about being in the play, the Hamilton lottery performances,” said Baird, while deleting the 43 Hamilton bootlegs he had on an external hard drive. “I finally feel like I have the ability to be myself again.”
Dr. Joy Lyons was not as ecstatic as Baird nor Dr. Shore.
“This is ridiculous. What kind of doctor wastes their funding on a stupid survey about Hamilton and self love? I would never allow that in my lab,” said Dr. Lyons, who assured us she had a medical license and was not just jealous of people who saw Hamilton at The Public Theater. When confronted about the 97 “Hamilton lottery loser” notifications on her phone, Dr. Lyons threatened to sue, stating that we “could not prove anything.”
Dr. Shore’s study proves groundbreaking for any former superfan desperate to feel better about their embarrassing past.
“I hope to one day crack the code for former Newsies superfans and self love, but today is not that day,” said Dr. Shore, who was holding what looked like a shredded newsboy cap and giggling nervously. “Hopefully that day will be soon!”
If you, or any of your loved ones, may have used the #YayHamlet hashtag in 2016, please feel free to reach out to Dr. Shore. Help is on its way.