Local Grandma Preparing for “Grey Gardens” Audition, We Hope
by Erika Hakmiller. @ErikaFromMaine.
LONG ISLAND, NY - Riley and Brian Fitzgerald, two siblings who used to dabble in theatre but now strictly dabble in teaching theatre, have been living with their elderly bedridden Grandmother for the past 5 years. Their coexistence, in a 28 room house by the beach, has recently changed due to a sudden shift in Grandmothers behavior - which the siblings pray is just her preparing for an upcoming, undisclosed Grey Gardens audition, the duo confirmed.
“It began with Grandmother wanting to breed cats… then it got out of control," noted Brian. “Now we have 52 cats, fleas, cobwebs, and virtually no plumbing.”
Riley was less concerned about the changes as she was sure that Grandmother was simply preparing for the audition. Her suspicions grew stronger after Grandmother sent Riley to the store to purchase several large sun hats, butter, corn on the cob, and a small hot plate
“Grandmother is obviously just really getting into character for her big audition. Can’t you tell?” questioned Riley with palpable uncertainty. “Why else would she keep asking me to come out in a kimono?”
Riley decided to search for local Grey Gardens auditions. When she couldn’t find one, she confronted her Grandmother about her behavior. Grandmother, who was innocently buttering corn in bed while mumbling about an old soft shoe routine, was insulted by the implication.
“You silly girl, turn around! Turn around and look!” exclaimed Grandmother. “The cats going to the bathroom right in the back of my portrait. I’m glad he is. I’m glad somebodys doing something they want to do! The cat’s not wasting his life like you did!”
Brian insists that this behavior is not audition related, since it also includes mindless babbling, the opening and closing of doors, and regular requests to go to Target. Unfortunately both of them are now too afraid to bring it up.
At press time, the duo were seen cringing at Grandmothers 80th birthday as they watched her octave up during “Happy Birthday” and then proceed to love, masticate, and chew her cake.