Liza Minnelli Announces Studio 54 Reopening with Proper Social Distancing, Same Amount of Quaaludes
by Maxwell Seelig.
NEW YORK, NY - Oscar and Tony Award winning actress Liza Minelli announced yesterday that she plans to renovate the Studio 54 Theatre in order to turn it back into a nightclub reminiscent of its’ 1970’s heyday, with proper social distancing measures, of course, and absolutely the same amount of quaaludes for all, the starlet confirmed.
“My very loving, very straight, ex-husband Peter Allen and I loved to pop a few quaaludes and go disco crazy,” claimed Minelli. “I think in this time of social distancing and political divide, what we need is glitter and sexual promiscuity.”
The Broadway revival of Caroline or Change was set to begin performances in the Studio 54 Theatre during the upcoming Broadway season. Ensemble member Rick Dunbar shared his comments today on Twitter.
“Our cast and crew is devastated to learn that our show is postponed indefinitely due to Minelli’s reopening of Studio 54,” wrote Dunbar. “But of course, I will be in attendance at the grand reopening in a latex body suit I’ve been saving for this very occasion.”
In addition to social distancing measures, Minnelli sharted that everyone will be required to wear a mask designed by Donatella Versace. At a press conference today Governor Andrew Cuomo stated that Versace showed him a prototype of the mask.
“It literally looked like a mask you’d find in a masquerade ball except covered in glitter,” stated Cuomo. “I asked her why the mask didn’t cover the mouth, to which she replied that you can’t do quaaludes if your mouth is covered.”
At press time, Minelli mapped one final social distancing measure to be implemented.
“Many signs stating that everyone must stay less than six feet apart at all times,” Minelli stated. “Ever since the government said people cannot stay more than six feet apart, I’ve been hip to hip with all my best friends. Well, I guess not hip to hip because I lost my hips in a Fosse related injury - so, pelvis to pelvis. What was this interview about?”