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If I Can’t Lick the Mic at a Cabaret Cause of ONE Pandemic, Then We’re No Better Than The Terrorists

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

Last time I checked, this was America - land of the free, home of the free.

So what does it say about our country when just because of a virus that has devastated the lives of millions nationwide and continues to do so, I can’t go to Gary’s Little Issue, my favorite illegally operating cabaret bar, and lick the mic after each performance of “Suddenly Seymour”? Well, it tells us one thing: the terrorists have won.

Why shouldn’t I be able to gather with some of my closest friends, many who I won’t get to see for a while as they’ll be on a cross-country tour of nursing homes and children’s hospitals, and sing a little Kander & Ebb while all sharing a rum & coke with a single straw? This is not what democracy looks like. Welcome to 1952 Soviet Russia, I guess.

The city told our favorite hang they had to close down temporarily as it “wasn’t safe to operate” and “the fact that customers pay with snot is alarming”. Oh hush. Those brave men and women haven’t been in Australia fighting for our freedom just for you to take it away.

By not letting me drunkenly scream into the microphone about how I was cast as the original Ben Platt, you’re giving birth to Saddam Hussein. Congrats, it’s a boy! And his name is Saddam Hussein.

Plus, we’re doing everything safely! We all pass around a mask with minimal tears in it and wear it for 20 minutes at a time. I am CONSTANTLY washing my hands on my friend Leonard’s face, and whenever I have to cough, I tilt my head back and spray it straight into the air as to avoid coughing in a friend’s face. THAT is accountability. THAT is patriotism. What you’re suggesting is exactly what al-Qaeda wants.

I will NOT be a pawn for the terrorists. I WILL be a pawn in my neighborhood’s human chess game that we play every night in a non-ventilated room above a grade school.

Should the government be helping small businesses during this time rather than simply shuttering them with no assistance? Absolutely. Should I not selfishly extrapolate the problem by ignoring the well-being of those around me in order to eat microwaved fries in a weird heated tent? No, but nice to hear you got the job at ISIS, freak.

In conclusion, me getting to just absolutely eat stranger’s spit is the foundation on which this country was built, and I’m not willing to let that crumble just because it’s objectively the right/sane/safe/humane thing to do. If you disagree, you should be added to an FBI watchlist immediately.

However, if you do agree, we’re all meeting at Gary’s tonight at around 6:30. Make sure you take a rush hour train to get there, get ready to talk very close to one another because it gets LOUD in there, and please - bring plenty of hand sanitizer (we like to flush it down the toilet for funsies).

See you tonight, patriots!


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