by Adrianne Frost. @adrianne_frosty.
NEW YORK, NY - The team behind Broadway’s Alanis Morrisette jukebox musical Jagged Little Pill announced today that they will be selling khaki-colored shoehorns with the initials “JLP” on top, in honor of nailing the task of forcing already-written songs into the storylines, the proud team confirmed.
“Jagged is a jukebox musical, which, like uncomfortably squishing your foot into a too tight shoe, awkwardly fits songs into a drawn-out story,” said Roman Schoenburger, one of the show’s 500 producers, as he counted piles of cash in his office. “We combined the songs of Alanis Morrisette’s 1995 album of the same name, plus shoved in a few other songs from her catalog to create a full-length musical. What better way to celebrate with some fun, symbolic merch?”
As she left a recent production of Jagged Little Pill, Oklahoman Jane Smithers clutched her plastic shoehorn and cried.
“I LOVE IT!” she said, taking off her shoe and placing the souvenir on her heel to show how flimsy it is, causing the horn to crack. “It is so indicative of how they fit Alanis’ angsty songs into Diablo’s plot. It will be a reminder of my first trip to NYC and I will cherish it, while I limp through Times Square as blood fills up my shoe.”
The items don’t stop there, though. Producers note that they have added even more merchandise to cash in on audience angst.
“We’re not stopping the honorary angsty items with cheap ass shoehorns,” producer number 496, Suzannhai Ronenbraum, said while maniacally eating a $50 bill. “We have fake ‘Warrior’ tattoos that fade after about four days; hankies to hold during the show while you cry out ‘really, they turned this into a musical?’; and journals that say, ‘Insert Song Here’ every other page, so you can create your own made-up show!”
Items start at $24.00. They will all be available for a lower price at Jack’s 99 Cent Store beginning in 2022.