by Mikayla Petrilla. @HeyItsMikayy.
NEW YORK, NY - Local investigators announced today that they’ve finally discovered the last remaining New York-based actor not cast in Amazon’s The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, sources confirmed.
“Every time a new season of Maisel drops, I’m barraged with social media posts of friends claiming to be on the show, and I don't understand why I'm not one of them,” stated Denise Klonker, the actor in question and a student of musical theatre dramaturgy at AMDA. “I have experience. I was a store clerk on Investigation Discovery. I have what it takes. I’m not just an extra, I am extra. Please cast me in, and then probably cut me out of, season four. I promise my tits will be up, even if they don’t actually get seen.”
Investigators were surprised to find Klonker after labeling the search a cold case once season three premiered late last year. Still, they ultimately discovered her excessive “why won’t u cast me” social media comments on the show’s Instagram account.
“I’d describe to you what the show is about, but I won’t, because you’ve already been on it,” says investigator Lisa Jones, who discovered Denise’s posts on social media. “We searched every corner of IMDB and thought we found everyone. Everyone who’s arm showed up in the corner of a dimly lit scene, a few birds perched on a ledge who still got credit. Then Ms. Klonker showed up and we were finally able to close this case for good.”
The show has been casting for three seasons now, and performers everywhere have found a home in cutting off all their hair, withstanding wool allergies, and inhaling atmospheric smoke to play pedestrians on the freezing streets of Manhattan. But Ms. Klonker has not. Matt Wankawitz, a Jr. Executive Vice President of Non-Union Background Work at Grant Wilfley Casting, was able to provide some insight on why Denise was not cast.
“I’ll admit, she tried," noted Wankawitz. She stalked Backstage’s Maisel postings. She tried to have her agent submit her as an extra. She added me on Linkedin. She even started emailing me from her AIM account to shake things up. But in the end, I didn’t get back to her, because she said in the messages that she wouldn’t cut her hair - and if you’re on Maisel, we cut your hair. It’s the law.”
Still, Ms. Klonker was optimistic of her chances to be cast next season.
“What have I learned? Nothing. I still want in. Dear god, I want to be the girl in the corner. Please let me be the girl in the corner,” stated Denise, tossing her long brown hair over her shoulder.
At press time, investigators reached out to Amy Sherman-Palladino for comment, but all of her responses were too quick and witty for them to parse.