by Dante Giannetta. @dantegiannetta.
NEW YORK, NY - Mayor of NYC, Bill de Blasio was eager to watch the release of In the Heights on HBO, but his excitement turned to disappointment when the musical number he wrote and starred in titled, 'Horse Drawn Carriages Should be Bigger, (Bill's Song),' in exchange for a filming permit discount, was omitted from the final cut.
“For too long, New Yorkers taller than 6 feet, like me, have not been able to rely on horse carriages for public transit and we demand change!” de Blasio exclaimed while reading an Old Farmer’s Almanac with a monocle. “The song was very New York- me and an all male ensemble, tap dancing in Central Park, on a tow truck bed dragged behind 7 horses, bobsled style. Without that musical number to push social awareness around this horse carriage issue, what will be the legacy of Bill de Blasio?”
Jon M. Chu, Director of In the Heights, had a different take on de Blasio’s cut scene.
"12 horses died while filming that number," said Chu, looking blankly into the void. "A tow-truck bed with a camera, lighting, 30 dancers and Bill de Blasio on it? That’s a lot of weight for horses to drag. And when you factor in the price of a Forklift Crane just to move the horse corpses, the cost of clean up alone made the permit discount not worth it."
Alice Brooks, In the Heights, cinematographer, also expressed her concerns with the scene:
“While trying to pull the tow truck behind them, the older, weaker horses frequently slipped a disc or tore ligaments,” Brooks recalled as she took a drag of her cigarette. “When they did, de Blasio would immediately stop the scene and enthusiastically order the injured horse to be shot. When it came time for the final cut, it's like, do we keep the scene in, as a memorial to all the dead horses or do we leave it out and just try to forget about it entirely?"
At press time, residents of Washington Heights spotted the lame duck mayor of New York muttering, “We had a deal, Lin! Revenge shall be mine!” and pledging to be a worse Mayor to the people specifically in the uptown neighborhood.