by Grace Smith. @gracectomy.
NEW YORK, NY - Fun! Local Broadway fan and social media stalker Chuck Salotto was recently shocked to learn that one of the attractive Broadway ensemble members he follows on Instagram is deeply, deeply religious, sources confirmed.
“It was sus when he started posting about his ‘higher purpose,’ but I figured that meant he was moving to more television roles? But then he began dedicating his OOTDs to his personal lord and saviour,” commented Mr. Salotto, while tagging us in his Insta story. “You don’t know how jarring it is to be scrolling through your carefully curated triple threat feed and then BAM - you see a pic of an adult baptism!”
One of the last Broadway productions Mr. Salotto saw before COVID-19 was Mean Girls, after which he methodically followed every male cast member on Instagram. At first he couldn’t tell any of the show’s "delicious snacks" apart - until one started posting that the pandemic was punishment for our sins.
"Religious Instagram accounts among Broadway chorus members are on the rise in 2021, as the pandemic increasingly causes performers to question what they’re doing with their lives. A lot of the Book of Mormon Mormons have converted to actual Mormonism,” stated Aaron Ollenburger, proud follower of over 3,000 hot chorus member Instagram accounts. “I only go to Broadway to find scantily clad twinks, so that cast was my greatest disappointment since Fun Home.”
With hot ensemble member Instagram accounts serving as Broadway’s biggest draw, many are troubled by the whiplash between toned abs and Bible thumping.
“I used to follow this swing from Hamilton for his thirst traps, but then he found Jesus,” complained theatre fan Meghan Chaparala, while desperately searching the hashtag "Hamiltoned". “I mean, he still posts thirst traps, but now the captions are Bible passages.”
At press time, Mr. Salotto noted that he misses the days when actors would only get wrapped up in fringe cults consisting of weird outfits, over-crowded gatherings, and handing over all your money.
“As a Broadway fan, I could at least relate to that.”