by Devin Wallace. @thedevinwallace.
THE WOODS, Into - Local outdoorsy type Adam Breen alleges his scenic hiking trip was disrupted last week by a clearly-lost Baker who wouldn’t stop singing all the weird items on his absolutely bonkers grocery list.
“You could hear his reedy voice a mile away,” said Breen while putting on those shoes that are all toes. “He’s belting out lines about needing a white cow, and a red cape, and some kind of golden wig. My man: stop singing in the woods, and go to Target.”
Park Ranger Nancy Gilroy said she’s gotten numerous reports of a suspicious, aproned figure wandering into the woods.
“This little guy’s a known quantity,” said Gilroy, shining her hiking shoes that are all toes. “Apparently he’s been slinging beans to kids and is wanted for questioning in the death of a Wolf. I know all this because he won’t shut up, singing about it sun-up ‘til sun-down.”
Fellow hiker Heather Kitridge also came across the wayward Baker, claiming he isn’t alone in his travels.
“Typical man,” said Kitridge while taking out a pair of gloves - oh actually it’s those shoes that are all toes. “I saw his wife catch up to him, and this Baker’s Wife had to re-list everything for him like he was a child. Oh yeah! And there was something about a kid. I hope these crazies don’t actually have a child at home.
While we cannot confirm the Baker’s current whereabouts, he seemed about halfway through his journey, so we can only assume everything turned out totally fine for him.