Help! I’m Trying to Hang My Hammock On This Tree, But Idina Menzel Won’t Stop Climbing It

by Jonathan Hogue. @jthogue2.

NEW YORK, NY – A surprise 70-degree day in the middle of April usually brings New Yorkers out in droves to experience the city’s best parks. But for one resident, this warm sunny morning in Central Park turned into an unexpected nightmare.

“I was trying to enjoy a few serene hours in Sheep’s Meadow earlier today, ready to hang my hammock and dive into the newest 'Hunger Games' novel,” lamented 32-year-old dental hygienist Larisa Jones, constantly looking up as if she were being hunted by a hawk. “But before I could get the straps around the tree, I was nearly kicked in the face by a woman doing intricate choreography from the branches above. I was actually kinda living, though?”

The public disruptor, quickly identified by a group of nearby homosexuals as Tony Award-winner Idina Menzel, was also heard belting out tree-themed contemporary pop ballads from the branches of the historic oak, much to the disturbance of other park guests.

“I thought she would stop after singing that one song about being ‘in the leaves’,” commented park passerby Tyler Trammell, mid-Googling the plot of Redwood. “Turns out, this show she’s in has four more of those.”

Soon after the Wicked star was identified, local authorities were called to the scene to calm frightened residents.

“I get calls like this all the time - a feral cat terrorizing a playground, a loose raccoon walking on stage at Shakespeare in the Park, The Outsiders kids rolling their big tire around,” says Central Park Ranger Phil Busey, devouring a pack of ranch-flavored Corn Nuts. “But trying to get Daytime Emmy Award winner Idina Menzel out of a tree? Now that’s something to tell the fellas back at O’Houlihans.”

Both the NYPD and NYFD’s attempts to contain Menzel’s movements proved futile as the powerhouse mezzo-soprano continued performing aerial acrobatics while wailing therapy anthems. The Broadway legend was finally coaxed out of the tree shortly after 12:45pm upon receiving word from Company Manager Loretta Hahn that she “has a matinee”.