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  • Writer's pictureBroadway Beat

REPORT: Three Years After “Hadestown” Opening, Orpheus’s Song Still a Bunch of Unfinished “La La La"

by Steve Verdile. @stevenverdilecreative.

DEPTHS OF HADES - Despite having numerous years to perfect his tune, local lyre player Orpheus still has only one syllable in his song.

“I mean, 'La; is classic. Everyone loves a good 'La La La'.” said stylish, magic deity Hermes, whose soothing voice was doing some serious lifting of that singular melodic syllable. “But for a song that will supposedly save the world? It’s a bit underwhelming.”

Orpheus’s girlfriend, Eurydice, sporting overalls that were either found in an abandoned dumpster or purchased for $600 on H&M’s website, shared a similar sentiment.

“At first I thought he was just, like, an ordinary simp. But I decided to give him a chance once he told me his music could stop the planet from burning," she noted, clarifying that she’s not usually into soyboys, but that this time was different. “Then he finally played me that 'song', and in that moment I realized all men are liars and I’d be better off going to literal hell. So I did.”

The Broadway Beat tried to get a quote from Orpheus, but he just started with the song again, adding in some weird stuff about kings and shadows. He finished by playing a Seinfeld-esque jingle on his little ukulele and claiming, “They call it River Styx, but it’s actually a River of Stones! Am I right?!”

Later, Hermes spokes with us again.

“With carbon emissions destroying the atmosphere, there is a limited amount of time before climate change becomes irreversible. Even a 10/10 banger wouldn’t be enough to stop that," he noted, pausing the most beautiful pause that has ever been paused. “We were close with Old Town Road… but even that wasn’t enough. No matter how many celebrities sing Imagine in unison, music just isn’t a great tool to combat the excessive burning of fossil fuels.”

Fortunately for Orpheus, just as Hermes finished speaking, time started moving backwards. It gave him a fresh chance to meet Eurydice, and to woo her again with a song that actually is a song this time and not just a bunch of - as all of the underground workers call it - lazy nonsense.


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