by Emily Claypoole. @playdohpoole.
HUDSON, NY – Recent Vassar graduate, cis white man, and grammar enthusiast Cooper Richmond tweeted late last night that the soon-to-be hit Broadway musical & Juliet is actually pronounced Ampersand Juliet, although he has never heard it said out loud.
“I do not care if you disagree,” Richmond hit back following an outpouring of comments correcting his assertion. “I speak English properly. I know the difference between 'your' and 'you’re'. I’ll make a fool of anyone who uses an em dash where there should be an en dash. That symbol is clearly an Ampersand. End of discussion.”
James Rodriguez**, Richmond’s longtime college roommate, responded to the tweet and later elaborated on the tragic misstep he made in doing so.
“I’m a big Broadway fan and I know for a fact that it’s pronounced 'And Juliet'. Everyone knows that an ampersand represents the word 'and', but Coop is so crazy about that stuff,” he began, tears forming in his eyes. “I just wanted to reply to the tweet to let him know that… but… I used the wrong ‘its’ and he… he destroyed me.”
Tara Keeling**, Richmond’s longtime girlfriend, was hesitant to speak with us, but came around when she confirmed that we have a Grammarly subscription.
“Please just make sure there aren’t any mistakes when you print this,” Keeling whispered, darting her eyes around the room. “Cooper is a great man, but grammar is his one sticking point. I can’t even get into bed until I tell him if I will be ‘lying down’ or ‘laying down’. To him, it’s all about the principle. He loves Romeo and Juliet and understands what they’re going for, but he’s too much of a stickler to let it go. Have I mentioned he's a great guy though? Saying it helps me believe it.”
**Sources close to Richmond asked not to be named in this article for fear of incurring his wrath. Even the stars of the soon-to-be hit musical refused to comment due to rumors of Richmond’s sharply logical, impossible-to-reason-with arguments for grammatical perfection. In solidarity with friends of Richmond (and fear for the writer’s wellbeing), this article will be removed before he is able to see, and mercilessly correct it.