by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
NEW YORK, NY - Broadway’s improvised hip-hop extravaganza Freestyle Love Supreme is facing controversy this week after the performers, who create a fresh, full-length show of improvised lyrics each night, accidentally improvised an ancient Latin curse which raises the dead from their graves, sources confirmed.
“It was an honest mistake,” said cast member Chris Sullivan, aka Shockwave. “The suggestion was ‘dessert’, so we obviously started saying ‘dulce’ a lot, and then someone mentioned annoying ants so we said ‘condemn ants’ which sounded like ‘condemnant’, and later someone mentioned not spilling on the carpet which sounded like ‘carpe’, and so on. We’ll definitely try to be less careless moving forward,” he added while desperately researching Latin phrases that would return the dead to their eternal crypts.
The evening’s special guest, James Monroe Iglehart, aka J-Soul, weighed in on the mayhem.
“I’m not in every show, so wasn’t sure if this was part of it or not,” noted the Tony winner. “I was about to lay down a great rhyme about raspberry tarts when a decrepit, veiny hand burst out from under the stage. After a few more zombies showed up, it was total chaos. We didn’t even get to do ‘Second Chance’ on account of this mass tear in the fragile gate between the world of the living and the realm of the deceased,” he added.
Some audience members were delighted by the surprise.
“It really proves that they don’t write this stuff beforehand,” noted audience member Caroline Poller. “Yes, the zombies killed a lot of audience members in an attempt to transfer their souls into vehicles of the living, and many of them succeeded and are now left here to do the Devil’s bidding, but that’s just the type of spontaneous thrill you won’t see at Frozen,” she added before her eyes turned black and she floated a little bit.
At press time, producers of Freestyle Love Supreme refused to give surviving audience members refunds for the performance, claiming that there is “nothing in the ticket agreement that mentions creating an irreparable portal between our world and that of the Mortuus Est”. However, they did offer 40% off of merch, which now includes crosses, vials of holy water, and armor.
They also offer classes through the Freestyle Love Supreme Academy, so that inspired audience members can learn how to improvise dark scripture and destroy the very fabric of our universe from the comfort of their home.