by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
NEW YORK, NY - Awkward! That Fourth of July party your friend Harry invited you to actually turned out to be the party from Stephen Sondheim and George Furth’s beloved musical comedy Company. Now that could drive a person crazy!
“I thought it was gonna just be hot dogs, cheap beer, maybe some cornhole. Didn’t realize it was actually someone's 35th birthday, and everyone there except that person and myself are engaged couples,” you noted, dressed in an American flag t-shirt like an idiot. “I mostly just wish Bobbie would stop contemplating all over the cake and just blow the fucking candles out.”
All fun, grilled foods have been replaced with tasteful hoeur d'oeuvres, while the beer bong you bought sits idly by while a couple discusses, with disturbingly personal detail, the modern validity of marriage. Harry - notably not partaking in any of the party’s signature cocktails - was quick to clear up the confusion.
“I understand why you thought a party taking place on the Fourth would be about the Fourth, but no, this is less ‘America!’ and more ‘you’re gonna have some realizations tonight, B’,” stated Harry, who kept trying to show us his karate for some reason. “But hey, if you want fireworks, just wait til act two.”
Three guests who are all hooking up with the guest of honor - a fact they’ve made clear to you since arriving, even though you didn’t ask - didn’t even try the homemade onion dip you brought in a fun dish shaped like the United States. Bobbie’s friend Joanne, however was quick to weigh in on the dish.
“This is the type of snack made by people who aren’t content with just watching the world go by,” stated Joanne, unbelievably drunk and constantly trying to have a one-on-one conversation with you. “Say… are you happy?”
At press time, all of the guests appear to have fallen into a manic state, with cries of “Bobbie Bubbi” and “Bobbie Baby” practically drowning out the New York City fireworks. Harry let you know that there would be a particularly wild party taking place next weekend, but when you ask for the address, he notes that there are actually two entirely different addresses to choose from.