by Daniel Tepper. @tanieldepper.
WASHINGTON D. C. - At a remote press briefing this afternoon,Claudia Gordon, the FBI’s Director of the Criminal, Cyber, Response, and Services Branch, disclosed that their team is currently coming down hard on the sale of Black Market Ring Lights after Amazon sold out of the product late last week.
“Actors, YouTubers, TockTickers, Social Media Influencers, and content creators of all types are guilty,” noted a determined Gordon, “They have turned to illegal means to get their hands on a ring light during the current COVID-19 pandemic, as pressures have risen to create high quality videos for a screen addicted public, and well lit self tape auditions for a smaller pool of jobs.”
Deputy Director Gilbert Hunt detailed the efforts the Bureau would be taking to curb the illegal sale of ring lights, and to keep the American public safe.
“Though I’m not at liberty to disclose all of the details of our operation in the interest of keeping our undercover agents’ identities anonymous, I can promise that our team has been working around the clock to infiltrate the seedy underbelly of content creation,” stated Hunt. “We are close to identifying those who would profit most from the sale of Ring Lights on the Black Market. We’ve had success targeting creators who went from having lighting in their videos that was frankly embarrassing, to an evenly lit space in a suspiciously short period of time. Find the buyer and follow the money. That’s our plan.”
When called for comment, casting director Bernie Telsey expressed unease at the lengths actors might be going to procure a ring light for an at home audition.
“They’re doing what?” questioned a visibly shaken Telsey. “Oh, no, I’m not upset that the lights are illegal or whatever. It’s that they’re using them at all. Actors, seriously… just use a lamp next time.”
Gordon concluded the briefing by urging the public to “please conduct your Dance Challenges, Ukulele Hip-Hop Covers, and Sixteen Bar Cuts using whatever lighting fixtures you already have in your house” before adding that the sentencing for being caught with an illegally purchased light could be anywhere from “a few days of having your account suspended” up to “one really bad summer stock contract.”