Dunkin’ Donuts to Begin Selling Middle of Jennifer Simard in DEATH BECOMES HER as Munchkin Flavor

by Phin Samdperil.

NEW YORK, NY — In an attempt to fund the operating costs of Death Becomes Her, a pop-up Dunkin’ Donuts location has been attached onto the back of the Lunt-Fontanne Theatre so that the missing middle chunk of Jennifer Simard can be sold as a limited-edition munchkin flavor.

“It’s really a genius business move on my part,” conceded Dunkin’ store manager Hudson Filmth, as he picked stray Simard hairs out of the most recently delivered donut hole. “All the trap door and meat grinder stuff was left behind from when Sweeney Todd was in this theater. Each night, when Jen loses her middle, we’ve just been feeding it through that.”

A few customers raised concerns about the health impacts of consuming diva, and so a professional interview was conducted with local dietitian Dr. Lucas Greyward to see if he thought munchkin-Simards were safe to eat.

“Fucking no, dude,” said Dr. Greyward, escorting official and professional The Broadway Beat reporters out of his apartment at three in the morning. “Originally I thought it was just cannibalism, which would be bad. Then it occurred to me that this actress is regrowing her entire abdomen daily. That’s not human. That’s alien or that’s supernatural, and eating either will cause severe damage to your intestines and liver.”

Despite Dr. Greyward’s worries about minor stomach aches, people are continuing to keep Death Becomes Her afloat through Munchkin sales alone. Many other shows tried to mimic this business strategy, as The Great Gatsby star Ryan McCartan was spotted carving a hole in his own chest to supply The Broadway Theater’s new donut shop.

“AAHHHHHHH FUCK” said McCartan, as he realized that hey, that’s not how that works. “I don’t understand how she’s able to do this eight shows a week! Call an ambulance! Please! What are you doing? Why are you just standing there writing things in a notebook? Help!”

It was reported that the pool death scene in The Great Gatsby that evening was especially believable, yet surprisingly, he has been out of the show ever since.

The Lunt-Fontanne-Dunkin’ has announced that it will begin selling Megan Hilty Twizzlers beginning next month.