BREAKING: Drunk Girls at 54 Below Report High Concentration of "Absolute Slays"
by Emily Claypoole. @playdohpoole.
NEW YORK, NY - Shocking data has been unearthed today from NYC cabaret staple 54 Below, with audience members consisting of mostly drunk women reporting an alarming concentration of “absolute slays”.
“They f***ing turnt it the f*** out,” slurred 54 regular and avid Prosecco drinker Katie Sheffield, while completing a survey in which she indicated slayage from 12 of the 12 performers at 54 Sings Charli XCX. “My jaw was on the floor the whole time. It was physically impossible for me to stop waving my finger in the air and screaming ‘werrkkkkkkkkk’.”
Tori Conant, the 22-year old producer of the concert, was thrilled with the statistics.
“NO FLOPS BITCHES!” Conant screamed while clutching a half empty bottle of Veuve Clicquot and desperately attempting to climb the venue’s steep stairway to the exit. Upon landing upright on the pavement, Conant exclaimed, while clapping for emphasis, “My. Bitches. Were. Giving. It. To. The. Girls. Ma. Ma!!!!”
A number of Data Science PhD candidates were present at the concert, all bewildered upon collecting the survey results.
“Some of them were just ripped up wine stained tissues by the time I got my hands on them,” noted researcher Denny "That Guy" Douglas while using a travel-size hair dryer and a roll of scotch tape to reassemble a vomit-stenched survey. “Even the ones that were easy to read included language that I don’t feel comfortable using, let alone having printed. Can we have a woman read these? Or a gay man? Or anyone that isn’t me? I feel icky reading the phrase ‘serving c***’ so many times even though it's just in my head.”
While audience members clearly enjoyed the performance, local bloggers panned the concert as a whole, claiming that it was “an off-key amateur nightmare” with hosts that were too drunk to correctly introduce performers, and an incoherent setlist which included songs attributed to Charli XCX that were actually by Cher Lloyd, Kim Petras, and Lady Gaga.