Disney Plus to Censor All “Hamilton” Cursing, Sexual Content, Rapping
by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
LOS ANGELES - In a huge development this morning, Disney announced that Thomas Kail’s filmed performance of the original Broadway cast of Hamilton will begin streaming on Disney Plus a whopping 15 months ahead of schedule, while also adding that the streamer, in line with their cuts of several recent programs, will censor all of the show’s cursing, sexual content, and rapping, the corporation confirmed.
“We are so excited to share this monumental piece of theatre right in the consumer’s home,” said Disney chairman Bob Iger. “We want to be able to reach the widest audience possible, so just to be sure, we’ve removed all instances of the F word, the sexual tryst between Alexander Hamilton and Maria Reynolds, and, since a lot of America may not be sold on the genre of rap quite yet, all of that too. That way, everyone’s satisfied - except for Alexander Hamilton, cause he will never be satisfied! You won’t get that joke if you watch our version of the show.”
Danielle LeGren, the Head of Marketing for Disney Plus, piled on her excitement for the major scheduling shift.
“It’s gonna make for a really exciting Summer, and our version of the show is only 12 minutes long, so you can watch it again and again,” noted LeGren. “Some songs you can enjoy in full include ‘Dear Theodosia’, ‘Burn’, most of ‘Hurricane’, except for when he gets a little too wordy, and all of King George’s songs. To the revolution!”
Some fans were understandably disappointed by the changes.
“I get that Disney censors shows and movies to keep things family-friendly, but this just isn’t Hamilton,” noted local man Craig Smitt. “Hopefully someone daring and edgy will come along and present the PG-13 historical piece in all of its uncensored glory - even if we have to resort to underground, unsanctioned 2:00am Hamilton screenings that get broken up by the police. I’m willing to take that risk.”
At press time, Disney was already considering streaming other professionally filmed yet censored musicals, such as a cut of Dear Evan Hansen where none of Evan’s bones are broken, and a version of Come From Away without “all that pesky 9/11 business.”