OH NO! We Asked Darren Criss to Identify Which Areas of this Photo Feature Traffic Lights, and Now He’s Out of MAYBE HAPPY ENDING for the Foreseeable Future

by Ben Schrager. Instagram: @ben.schrager. Bluesky: @benschrager.bsky.social.

Original production photo by Matthew Murphy and Evan Zimmerman.

NEW YORK, NY – Sad news, Gleeks: We at The Broadway Beat were in the middle of a special interview with Darren Criss after his Tony Nomination for Maybe Happy Ending, but he short-circuited when we asked him to identify the traffic lights in this photo. He will be out of the production for the foreseeable future.

“We specifically told you to only ask pre-approved questions,” said Jen Asimov, Criss’ press representative, while wheeling him into a room labeled “RICE.” “Now look at what you’ve done. We’re gonna have to put Darren in The Vat again for at least a week before he’s ready to reboot–I mean, perform.”

Philip J. Pecker, a noted Darren Criss fanatic and Andrew Cunanan apologist, was not thrilled about the announcement.

“You fuckers at The Broadway Beat are always causing problems,” said Pecker while caressing his vinyl copy of Glee: The Music Presents the Warblers. “Some of us have worked day in and day out, entering the digital lottery out of hopes of getting to catch just a glimpse of our sweet baby girl Darren on stage. Now he’s out of the show because you monsters showed him a picture of a traffic light? This is just as bad as that time you asked Daniel Radcliffe to read a blurry word on a screen and he caught on fire.”

While Ms. Asmiov asked us to not contact him, we were able to sneak into the RICE room to ask Mr. Criss for a brief follow-up.

“01001000 01000101 01000001 01000100 00100000 01001000 01010101 01010010 01010100 01010011” said Criss, while slumped over and leaking green liquid out of his mouth into a tub labeled “Hwaboon Juice.” “01001110 01001001 01000111 01001000 01010100 00100000 01001110 01001001 01000111 01001000 01010100.”

It is unclear when Mr. Criss will be able to return to the production. In the meantime, his understudy Grok has been filling in, though tensions backstage are high. “Sometimes he’ll go off script in the middle of the show,” said one stagehand. “I’m tired of him shoehorning the phrase ‘Kill the Boer’ into every scene. It’s exhausting.”