by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
NEW YORK, NY - It was announced this morning that Daniel Radcliffe will lead New York Theatre Workshop’s Off-Broadway revival of Merrily We Roll Along, simultaneously also leading the revival of New York’s theatre industry starting to make real money again after two years of decimation, relieved sources confirmed.
“Merrily is such an iconic show, but I’m even more excited to take on the role of Guy Who Finally Helps Drag the Theatre Industry Out of the Cold Pit It’s Been Suffocating Inside of Since Early 2020,” noted Radcliffe, actively dabbing the sweaty heads of several producers with a linen cloth. “I thought it was weird they insisted my contract length be ‘2022 - whenever theatre employees can sleep without being terrified of the future’, but hey, that’s showbiz.”
At press time, producers were seen standing in a straight line under a full moon, desperately attempting to summon a stage vehicle for Andrew Garfield.