by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
For those of you eagerly waiting to receive the recently approved COVID-19 vaccination, please heed my warning: I got the vaccine, and now I can’t hit a high E6, and I ABSOLUTELY could before. It’s definitely the vaccine’s fault that I sound like an old blender trying to break down a wrench when I attempt to hit the note, and I don’t want you to make the same mistake.
I’m a performer by nature, and by “nature”, I mean I have no formal training of any kind. Still, before I received the vaccine, I could belt that dog-maddening tone easier than toothpaste leaving a fresh tube. And no, I don’t have footage or anything and nobody’s ever heard me, but in my opinion, that just makes it even more tragic.
Pfizer? More like Pdream Pdestroyer.
It doesn’t just stop at my range, though. I’ve noticed a ton of upsetting side effects that are no doubt caused by the vaccine and no other reasons.
In many circles, I was once considered a dance master. I even had a second interview scheduled to become the principal dancer of the New York City Super Ballet, one step ABOVE the regular one (don’t look it up though, it’s only for people who NEED to know). But ever since I got the vaccine, I don’t even know what a plié is, and I DEFINITELY did before (I remember it’s a type of savory pastry, just not sure what’s in it).
Moderna? More like Modern Dance Prodigy Turned Failed Scientific Lab Rat.
If you still need convincing that the vaccine is dangerous and the sole reason I cannot handle these artistic feats, well, perhaps this will rip the band-aid off:
I can no longer fly.
I know what you’re thinking - what does that have to do with performing? Well, think how much money these productions would save on stunt coordination without having to wire me up eight times a week. This was surely going to get me all of the success that I want without having to put in any of the effort of my colleagues, but now, it’s all gone.
Thanks a lot, Astra Zeneca, or should I say: Astra-I Can No Longer Fly.
So, in conclusion, I may not have COVID, but I also don’t have the array of skills that I definitely, really had before. And if you question me being able to do any of these things? Well then, frankly, you’re just as bad as the virus - and I’m actually not really sure what the virus DOES anyway (something to do with a savory pastry I know, but what?).
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