by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
DETROIT - Local theatre fan and self-proclaimed “political analyst” Dave Collins reacted to today’s news that Elizabeth Warren is suspending her campaign by claiming that “Cosette has officially left the race, and only Valjean and Javert remain” - a statement which found him desperately trying to scrape together a metaphor that likens the democratic primary race to Les Miserables for some reason, sources confirmed.
“It really is the same, classic tale of revolution and resistance,” noted Collins while switching between search tabs of Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden policy summaries and a Les Mis wikipedia synopsis. “Bernie is Valjean - the rebel, the romantic. Biden is Javert - the establishment. Warren was Cosette - brilliant and brave, but not given the same opportunity as others, even though she could certainly do the job.”
Collins continued to list character comparisons, becoming increasingly mumbled and incoherent as he went on.
“Bloomberg is, uh, that rich guy who tries to buy Fantine. Or maybe he’s Thenardier? Is there a character who comes in late and only shows up for like a few scenes? Cause that’s Bloomberg,” he sputtered out while sweating and avoiding eye contact. “Klobuchar has to be Gavroche - or, wait, maybe that’s Pete cause he was in the military. Was Cory Booker in the military? Is Eponine, uh, John Kerry? Wait no, that was the 2004 election.”
Collins kept The Broadway Beat staff in his apartment for an additional hour and 45 minutes, hastily mapping out his metaphor on a piece of paper towel with a dull lime green colored pencil.
“Ok, so, big picture, France is America,” noted Collins, now shirtless and guzzling hot coffee straight from the pot. “Steyer is Montparnasse, Beto is Marius, and Marianne Williamson is Madame Thenardier. Or she’s one of the characters after they become ghosts. Actually, fuck it, she’s the Phantom. The Phantom of the Opera but the Opera is congress. I know it’s a different show, but please, I… I need this.”
At press time, our staff is still in Collins apartment, calmly sitting next to him on the couch and letting him know that it’s truly alright if he can’t lock down a theatre metaphor for this. However, he has begun preliminary ground work to compare the 2020 Democratic National Convention to Company, a metaphor which we can already confirm makes no sense at all.