Genuinely Creative Child Desperately Searches for an Actual God Damn Slime Tutorial
by Luke Maynus. @luke.maynus.
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. - Local child Sami Fitzpatrick was horrified Tuesday morning when she attempted to watch a YouTube video detailing instructions for making the popular children’s toy, “slime”, but was instead subjected to an illegal and very low-quality recording of the musical, Spring Awakening.
“Who knew finding a real tutorial on how to make slime would be the toughest task I’ve been tasked with in all my years, which just so happens to be this many,” said Fitzpatrick while holding up six food coloring stained fingers. “I was just trying to figure out how to make my slime green cause my friend Adam has green slime, but I only know how to make white slime cause I make my slime with white glue so I thought maybe the secret is green glue, but I don’t think they make green glue wanna see me do a handstand?”
Zoey Griffin-Fitzpatrick, Sami’s mother and primary guardian, seemed even more shaken than her child while relaying the events.
“Of course I want to encourage my child’s creativity, but the internet is a dangerous place,” said the distraught mother while completely deleting Internet Explorer from her family computer. “The last thing I’d want is for her to see something traumatizing - or even worse, become one of those god awful theatre kids!”
Wilson Gordon, Cambridge Chief of Police, was the first on the scene, and expressed his concern regarding the situation.
“All of us down at the station are just so confused. I mean we watched the ENTIRE two hours and fifteen minutes, and not once were there ANY instructions on how to make slime,” exclaimed the chief of police as he dramatically wiped a tear away from his eye. “But I’d be lying if I said we weren’t fully immersed. Rest in peace Wendla!”
At press time, it is unclear whether Fitzpatrick will have long-term psychological trauma from her exposure to musical theatre, but as of now, she seems to be functioning fine. If you would like to support Sami’s recovery, the family is accepting both cash and robux donations.