by Russell Aguirre. @RussellSondheim (Twitter), @RussellAaron (Instagram).
NEW YORK, NY - The American Theatre Wing expressed their shock this morning after discovering a number of 2020 Tony Awards stolen from the premises in the wake of the ceremony’s cancellation following the outbreak of COVID-19. The unmarked and unclaimed awards were soon located by the Manhattan Police Department in the home of three time nominee Carolee Carmello, who revealed that the theft was part of an elaborate conspiracy to get overlooked stars “what is rightfully theirs,” the actress confirmed while in custody.
“It’s simple”, Carmello explained in a stylish white pant and blazer ensemble while pouring herself a mixed drink. “I lead an elite society of individuals who, despite critical praise and several years in the business, have not one Tony Award to their name. I’m a triple threat, I’ve carried shows on my back. I got a musical by Kathie Lee freaking Gifford nominated and yet nothing? Well, not anymore”, she said as she lovingly stroked a Best Actress trophy with Laurie Metcalf’s name crossed out.
Carmello knew that the lockdown meant minimal security coverage of the awards, so her team struck Radio City Music Hall on the evening of June 7th. Performer Anna Deavere Smith distracted the guard with a dramatic critique of America’s education system where she played every role while Carmello and her cohorts snuck inside.
“It was a stirring performance,” says security guard Jackson Gray. “While I took in Smith’s stirring performances as both an old Korean man and his first generation daughter, Danny Burstein knocked me out. The fact that Danny doesn’t have a Tony is the real crime.”
After the siege on Carmello’s home, a heist member reached us via phone, revealing herself to be Dame Julie Andrews (seriously, she has no Tony Awards, Google it.)
“While the guard was out, Andy Karl put his dancing skills to work to avoid all the infrared sensors”, the legendary Andrews explained. “When he turned them off, Carolee belted a high F to shatter the glass safe, and we just grabbed all those Tonys and ran like hell.”
When asked why she confessed so easily, Andrews simply replied, “They’re not gonna lock up Mary Poppins. Just try and find me, muthas”, before graciously hanging up the phone.
In spite of protests by fans and industry members alike, officers stood at bay to bring Carmello into custody for larceny. Before police could apprehend the beloved belter, the lights went out, allowing her to escape while leaving behind a signed headshot with the cryptic warning “Catch me if you can, Theatre Wing. xoxo, Carolee.”