by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
The 2022 Tony Awards have set their sights on June 12th, returning to Radio City Music Hall for the first time in years to celebrate the best that Broadway has to offer. Who should be given the honor of hosting this year’s festivities? Well, we have five certified Broadway stars in mind who we think would truimph if given the chance to help the curtain rise - along with one who, while we don’t yet have enough evidence to prove it, we’re pretty sure has been hunting our team for quite some time.
Wanna know who we think should lead Broadway’s biggest night, and who’s been stalking us by their own accord? Check out our round-up below!
1. Ariana DeBose
Almost a shoe-in to win the Academy Award for her gripping performance in West Side Story, DeBose would bring a dose of new age star power to the awards. Plus, she’s been so busy the past few months that she definitely doesn’t have time to track and mark our every move, so we don’t have to worry about the hunting element when it comes to her.
2. Nick Kroll & John Mulaney
Although it’s been a few years since they graced the Great White Way with Oh, Hello, these funny boys have left an indelible mark on the theatre community; this would be the perfect opportunity to make their return. Plus, the person who’s been hunting us works alone. The footprints in the snow outside our office are from one person’s shoes, and we feel as though it’s almost a pride thing that they act as a lone wolf. Like, as if sharing the prey would almost ruin it for them, you know?
3. Jeremy Jordan, but not for the Tonys, this is the one we think has been hunting us
Taking a quick break from the Tony hosts to point out that, while it sounds crazy, we’re pretty sure Jeremy Jordan has been blood-sporting our team for quite some time. Several of our interns have noted finding Little Shop and Bonnie & Clyde playbills outside of their apartments, and the front door to our office was recently marked with the phrase “Jamie is not over and Jamie is coming soon” in red paint. It’s not a ton to go off of, but it feels like too much not to consider it, right? Why is he doing this?
4. Renée Elise Goldsberry
She’s got the grace, she’s got the comedy shops, and she can sing the heck out of an opening number. Why note give her the shot? That said, there is always the slim chance that she is indeed the one who’s been after us, seeing as we did hear the phrase “I did a few episodes of SVU” being muttered from the shadows of an alley the other night. But hey, if that’s the case, then anyone in the Broadway community could be the culprit.
5. Nathan La- wait there’s been a new development in the Jeremy Jordan thing
As we were writing this piece we received a phone call from an anonymous number. After about 30 seconds of just breathing, a distorted voice whispered “nothing can break you, no one can make you… except for a vengeful god”. That’s gotta be him, right? Why is he doing this?
5. Nathan Lane
Nothing’s better than the best, and sweetie, this would be the best. Mr. Lane hosting would be a love letter to theatre if we’ve ever read one. Plus, the dozens of menacing letters and photographs of us sleeping that we’ve received lack the timeless wit of Lane, so it couldn’t be him keeping us at bay just long enough to strike.
6. Oh god, oh no
We’ll do the last one in a second, but this is getting serious. The power just went out in our office and under the cover of night we can see a cloaked figure skulking around outside. He’s dressed as Dr. Pomatter from Waitress and keeps alternating between shouting “let the games begin!” and singing selections from The Greatest Showman. Remember when he did the workshop for that?
We’ve called the authorities, but I think they’re in on it. They said “Jeremy Jordan would never do that” but we hadn’t said that we think it’s him yet.
All of our TVs and computers just switched to playing episodes of Smash. What does all of this mean? What does any of this mean? You believe us, don’t you?
6. George Takei
Could be fun.