• Broadway Beat

The Broadway Beat's Official Holiday Gift Guide

by Edward Precht. @pertoltprecht.

The holidays, whether we want them to be or not, are upon us, and with them comes that exasperating annual question: just what do I get my loved ones that like theatre just a little too much? This year, have no fear! The Broadway Beat has compiled a list of this season’s hottest theatre gifts for all the beautiful sickos in your life.


Caroline, or Change: The Board Game

The most popular game this holiday season is fun for the whole family (and most of the appliances). Control Caroline Thibodeaux as she collects coins from the Gellman family laundry. Spend hours waffling over whether or not you’ll keep the change – but watch out for Sad Dad and his clarinet! And that’s it! That’s the game! Will she change, or will she Caroline? It’s up to you!


LEGO Dana H.

Based on the groundbreaking one-woman thriller, this LEGO set is deceptively simple. Comes with a single minifigure, audio recordings from the show, and enough bricks to recreate the motel room where she was held – you know, now that we hear it out loud... I mean now that we’re really thinking about it, maybe let’s not. Maybe let’s not.


David Hyde Pierce Barbie

Mattel continues their ever-popular Broadway line-up with this season’s David Hyde Pierce Barbie doll. He looks absolutely resplendent in his beige suit and removable mustache, and with two points of articulation, he’s just as flexible as the actor on which he’s based! When asked what version of the stage and screen star this was meant to represent, a Barbie spokesperson said, “Uh, it’s pretty much any David Hyde Pierce, I don’t know.” Comes with alternate tan suit and a box of saltine crackers. Batteries included but unnecessary.


André de Shields

Awww, look at that face! This beautiful boy was found alone and shivering out by the Metro-North railroad tracks. We cleaned him up, gave him his shots, and slowly began to rebuild his faith in humanity. He refuses to get neutered, but is otherwise a perfect gentleman! Free to a good home, but please make sure he has enough space to run around – he loves to put on a show! Do not feed after midnight.


FanCasters

Ever wanted to see Sutton Foster in Rent? Bonnie Milligan in Into the Woods? Bernadette Peters in We Are the Tigers? Well now you can! Simply slip a picture of your favorite actor in between the lenses of these patent-pending goggles, strap ‘em on, and watch as your fan-cast dreams dance before your very eyes! Now Ethan Slater can appear in your community theater’s garbage production of Les Misérables! (Victor Garber version weirdly Sold Out)


Mrs. Doubtfire Mask

From the makers of Tootsie Tits and the upcoming Some Like it Hot Wigs comes the latest laugh-a-minute mockery of transfemininity, the gender spectrum, and the female form! Spit in the face of progress from between the wet lip folds of Rob McClure’s rubberized visage! Is the bad taste in your mouth due to watching the industry we were promised would always, always accept us buy into another outdated, toxic adaptation for nostalgia’s sake – or is it just the powdered latex? We’ll never tell!


House Seats to Funny Girl

lol yeah right you fuckin’ wish.


Ivo Van Hove’s “Toy”

From experimental theatremaker Ivo Van Hove comes this year’s hottest… toy? Gift? We’re not totally sure. We’re not even sure what it looks like, only that the New York Times says it’s supposed to be really, really cool. All we can see is a faint light leaking out of a black cardboard box – unless the box is the toy? When we asked, Van Hove just smirked and went “Heh, if you don’t get it, you don’t get it,” and he handed it to Mark Strong.


Godot

On backorder; estimated restock date TBD.


A Doll’s House, Part 2’s Doll’s House, Part 2

Last year, you loved A Doll’s House, Part 2’s Doll’s House, the miniaturized replica of the set of Lucas Hnath’s sequel to the Ibsen classic – complete with Laurie Metcalf and Jayne Houdyshell dolls and a prop chair. This year, Shubert Toys released an add-on playset to ensure the fun never stops (or at least lasts for 90 minutes, no intermission). This year’s edition includes a second prop chair, Chris Cooper and Condola Rashād dolls, and cardboard cutouts of a very receptive, very white audience.


Whatever you choose, be sure to remember the true reason for the holiday season: it’s not the presents, or the food, or the decorations. It’s these presents. Specifically these presents.