REPORT: 100% of Broadway Lottery Winners Go Broke After Just One Matinee
by Devin Wallace. @thedevinwallace.
NEW YORK, NY - A stunning report from several Broadway lottery services has revealed that 100% of already-broke winners of Broadway ticket lotteries resume being broke after seeing a single matinee. Chloe Lieberman, who won a lottery ticket for Six just a month ago, knows the glorious highs and perilous lows that come from paying still-sorta-high prices for a Broadway show.
“You think to yourself: I’ve done it, I’m set for life,” said Lieberman while searching how to sell a little bit of her hair. “But as soon as the show ended, and I stumbled home from my debaucherous reverie at 4:45 PM, there I was again - hopelessly clicking a link so I could see Mr. Saturday Night on a Wednesday afternoon, alone.”
The bombshell report is based on data collected from Broadway Direct, LuckySeat, and that Social Toaster one. Broadway Direct official Dara Walsh urged winners to remain level-headed even after receiving the probably three, maybe four-time-in-a-year opportunity to buy reduced-price tickets for long-running Broadway shows.
“You’re still the same person you were before you won,” said Walsh, consoling a broke-again twenty-something after an MJ the Musical performance. “You still can’t afford the $23 chardonnay in a novelty sippy cup. You live with four roommates in deep Queens. Do not buy that Tina: The Tina Turner Musical shirt. We especially urge all winners: stay away from overpriced appetizers at Stardust Diner. The Mozzarella Triangles will destroy you.”
Some winners, like Jared Stein, balked at the idea they would go back to their old lifestyle.
“Phooey! I’ll never go back to the little people!” Stein shouted in an old-timey accent, as he booked an Uber Black SUV on his credit card for his solo ride to see Book of Mormon. “I’m on top of the world. Just me and my $45 ticket to see an eleven-year old musical alone!”
Lieberman, though humbled, still dreams of another big win in her future. Reports indicate she's already made plans to meet her friends at the Times Square TKTS booth at 8:00am to get tickets to Beetlejuice, a show they’ve all seen twice.