by Arden Dickson. @arden.dickson.
NEW YORK, NY - Authorities have been alerted of multiple brawls backstage of ongoing Broadway shows following reports of child actors wrangling their wranglers in what seems to be a calculated mass wrangling event.
“I don’t even know what happened,” said Frozen wrangler Barnaby Craig, who has since been hospitalized with forty-seven contusions. “There were so many of them. They just came at me. One minute I was explaining long division to our Young Elsa’s, the next I was, well, wrangled.”
Ginette Laura Marks, professional stage mom of one of the thirty Matildas (nobody knows which one), recounts the devious, disastrous event in miraculous clarity.
“I cannot express how proud I am of my sweet Broadway baby. It’s a thankless job, you know, being a parent. When I saw my peanut grappling three grown men to the ground, screlting and clawing, I realized it was all worth it. My little lovebug is a star! And very, very dangerous.”
We later caught veteran Young Cosette actor Francis Eden for a comment.
“DOWN WITH THE WRANGLERS,” she howled, frothing at the mouth. “NO LONGER SHALL WE COWER IN THE WINGS ONLY TO GO ON FOR THIRTY SECONDS OF STAGE TIME. NO LONGER SHALL WE SUFFER THROUGH FORTY HOURS OF ZOOM CLASSES. WE WILL START A NEW WORLD, A BETTER WORLD, A WORLD WITHOUT WRANGLERS! JOIN IN THE FIGHT THAT WILL GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO BE FREE! VIVE LA FRANCE!”
At press time, bewildered spectators tell of an ongoing hostage situation backstage of The Lion King. Evidently Young Nala and Young Simba have teamed with Meet Me in St. Louis actors Tootie and Agnes and are actively forcing their wranglers to complete their online English homework. Police have been alerted of the situation, however, Young Shrek and Young Fiona have rallied a blockade of feral children in the streets.