INVESTIGATION: Broadway Bares Suggests the Existence of Broadway WEARS, Where Stars Sing and Dance Fully Clothed
- Broadway Beat
- Sep 6, 2024
- 2 min read
by Nick Navari. @nnavari.
NEW YORK, NY - Broadway Bares, the annual burlesque fundraiser for Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS, just twerked in almost $2.3 million for the charity. However, we believe that the name suggests a more alternative and taboo Broadway WEARS, where actors cover up their assets with shirts and pants. Sound crazy? The Broadway Beat investigates.
“Yes, you have to wear your underwear to this show,” said 84-year old Chicago box office attendant Winnie, fully clothed, in response to whether we could free-ball it at the musical that night. “If I have to wear ‘em, then so do the rest of you."
What did she mean by “the rest of you?” Does that mean the actors, too? We pressed on.
“I’m not sure how you got backstage,” said Shelly Wheaton, costume designer for Book of Mormon, with her finger wavering over the EMERGENCY button on her cellphone. "I mean, most shows are Broadway Wears. You get that, right? Either way I need you to leave before I call the police.”
As the stage door security guy threw us out of the Eugene O'Neill, we caught a glimpse of dozens of white button-down shirts hanging in a closet, which did seem to hint that they were for the actors. Even more impressive, we saw that the actors perform on a stage - just like in Broadway Bares! Was this another fundraiser? Should we also throw singles at the Mormons?
“Well, I guess I’ve been ‘Broadway Bares’ for years,” sang the Naked Cowboy to us as we got an email saying we won the Hamilton lottery. "Hamilton might actually help your research. After two and a half hours, I didn’t see a single forearm or calf muscle. Socks, shoes, belts, shirts, you name it - they’re all in Hamilton. That show really is all it’s cracked up to be," he added before returning to his naked rodeo tricks.
In conclusion, it seems like actors do wear clothes on stage in Broadway shows, but don’t worry, I’ve been naked the whole time.
I enjoyed the playful, satirical tone of this piece and how it pokes fun at expectations surrounding Broadway fundraisers. I especially liked the escalating absurdity of the backstage encounter, which kept me smiling throughout. Reading it felt a bit like a round of Basket Random—I never knew what hilarious twist would come next. The humor lands well because I can sense the affection behind the parody of theater culture.
Annual charity burlesque shows in the theater district always bring out the most energetic and supportive crowds of the entire season. The atmosphere gets absolutely wild, and the crazy SeatGeek reviews from last year proved that standing-room tickets are actually the best value. Performers go completely off-script during these special events to raise extra money for incredible local causes. A regular stage play feels so rigid compared to this massive party environment. You just have to be quick when the dates drop because everything sells out in an hour.
LOL, this article is hilarious! "Broadway WEARS"? 😂 Reminds me of how much I need to optimize my rebirth strategy in Free Steal a Brainrot Calculator for Roblox. Gotta get back to those Italian Brainrot earnings!