BREAKING: Broadway Announces Official Reopening After COVID-19 Shutdown

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

NEW YORK, NY - Curtain up! Broadway announced today its official reopening following the devastating shutdown in March of 2020 due to the COVID-19 pandemic.

“This is a huge moment not only for New York, but for theatre fans and artists across the globe,” noted a representative from The Shubert Organization, removing her mask to reveal the craziest tan line you’ve ever seen. “After over 100 ‘test’ productions and several ‘practice’ Tony Award ceremonies, we can’t wait to officially welcome audiences back to the great white way.”

Theatre fans from all over have traveled to New York for this once-in-a-lifetime occasion.

“I saw Maybe Happy Ending a few months ago, but now I’m seeing it post-reopening, and it’s thrilling,” said Mason Crullep, standing within six feet of his boyfriend for the first time since “The Queen’s Gambit” premiered. “I think it’s finally safe to say it: Broadway is back.”

Some Broadway performers were quick to share their experience with this newfound backness.

“It may seem like I’ve been working a lot, but that’s just to stay warm for the real return,” noted actor Jordan Fisher while watching the video of his “Listen” performance just cause it’s really cool. “Now that Broadway is back, I’m excited to get out there and do some shows! Maybe I’ll play the Six queens? Oh, no, haha. I’m just being ridiculous. I’m DEFINITELY gonna play the Six queens.”

At press time, Broadway also announced the return of rush lines, begging the question: what the hell line were you sitting in a few weeks ago?