by Edward Precht. @PertoltPrecht.
EAST VILLAGE, NY – In a press release issued today, Tepid Theatricals announced an extension of your friend’s shitty, Off-Broadway, one man show, which for some reason is called “Simply Tales of Me.”
Despite negative to very negative reviews, the theatre company – which operates out of a cramped blackbox space nowhere near the train you need to take to get home – says it has total faith in your friend, who has been inviting you to this goddamn awful play on social media since day one.
“It’s running in-perpetuity,” the press release stated, “and there are plenty of seats left for every performance, so you can no longer use that bullshit excuse that the show was ‘all sold-out’ and ‘I’ll try to rush at the door’ and ‘I wish I could see it, man, but there’s something I can’t get out of this weekend, shoot, I wish I didn’t have to do that thing, but I do, I do have to do that thing.’ No more excuses. You just… you have to go.”
Your friend responded by texting people who had already been guilted into seeing his pandering yet widely offensive vanity project, and by making an Instagram post that used too many exclamation points. He also strongly implied that he had seen your thing, and that it would only be fair if you went to his thing.
“I’ll be saving a seat for you. It’s right up front, so I can make eye contact with you and wink when I deliver my monologues. That’s right, ‘monologues’, as in multiple. Tepid Theatricals didn’t think I needed a dramaturg, so I haven’t taken anything out since my first draft. Oh, also, I turn off the air conditioner halfway through so you can hear the whispering scene - so don’t wear anything with sleeves.”
Your friend’s extremely Off-Broadway, one man show is in performances until what feels like the end of time, and only at 11PM. Due to the extension, the ticket prices have jumped $25, not to mention the food and drink minimum. Runtime: 2hrs 45min, no intermission. You will get wet.