by Edward Precht. @pertoltprecht.
NEW YORK, NY – The past few days have been a hot-bed of coronavirus news for the Broadway community, with Governor Cuomo ordering any event hosting more than 500 people be shuttered - resulting in many Broadway and Off-Broadway shows dimming their lights, with no schedule set for when they will reopen.
This, however, hasn’t deterred the hit musical Beetlejuice, who announced earlier today that they will be offering a discount for those affected by the coronavirus in order to “really fuck up” the Winter Garden Theater before The Music Man takes its place later this year, sources confirmed.
“Oh, no, we aren’t turning any of those sick people away,” said a representative for the show, who, despite protests, was clearly just Alex Brightman in a pair of Groucho Marx glasses. “In fact, we want them to come. We dare them to come. Our show’s closing soon, and we want this theater as goddamn filthy as possible before Music Man comes in.”
The discount – dubbed the “Fuck You, Music Man Discount” – starts at just $30 for anyone who has or knows someone who has contracted COVID-19. Ticket prices can and will go lower if, as a sign on the front door of the Winter Garden states, “You cough on every single seat in your row. Also rub your mucus-coated fingers across every railing you pass. Just really go for it.”
Other reps for the show provided more details on the unprecedented discount.
“They want us gone? Fine. Enjoy a high fever and weird looks from your co-workers for a while,” said another representative, who was, again, clearly Alex Brightman in a new pair of googly-eye glasses. “You know that thick smell that, like, a busy hospital has? Or a mid-day swamp? We want that to hit Hugh Jackman as soon as he steps into the building.”
Neither Mr. Jackman, nor his co-star Sutton Foster, have responded to our request for comment for comment, but a representative of theirs did reach out to The Broadway Beat to share their thoughts.
“Those dicks? Nah, they’re fine. They ask that the general public sneeze on everything,” said the spokesperson over the phone. “They want you to ruin the Winter Garden. It would make Hugh and Sutton and the cast really happy actually. Also, I’m not Alex Brightman.”
The new Playbill cover for the month of March is a picture of Kerry Butler mid-cough, and each program has been rubbed against the floor of a rush-hour 6-train. Audience members are encouraged to scatter these about after the show, as well as any used cups or tissues they may have on hand.