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  • Writer's pictureBroadway Beat

Feed Me, Hunty! Audrey II Announces They Will Start Accepting Blood From Gay and Bisexual Men

by Violet Jones. @violet_leigh.

SKID ROW, NY - During a press conference at Mushnik and Son Flower Shop, fan-favorite blood-thirsty plant Audrey II announced that they will now accept blood/body parts from gay and bisexual men, a reversal of a Regan-era policy.

“I bloomed during the AIDS crisis, and because of that I had a certain view of gay and bisexual men; a view that I realize now is outdated and hurtful,” said the alien plant, flanked by local street urchins who identify as members of the LGBTQ+ community. “One of my re-potted trimmings, Audrey XV, recently came out as bi and has helped me bloom into a more compassionate and accepting carnivorous plant.”

Seymour Krelborn, long time personal assistant/Renfield-like lackey for Audrey II, voiced his support for the policy change.

“I can’t tell you how many times I went through all the trouble of murdering someone only to have to throw them out and find another victim after discovering a pride flag in their apartment,” a beaming Krelborn stated. “Recently, I started only targeting men who were subscribed to Joe Rogan’s podcast, to be safe. I’m excited to be able to widen my murder net to be more inclusive.”

Audrey XV praised the decision.

“I felt like it was vital that they understood how harmful their policy was, especially considering the unprecedented attacks on the LGBTQ+ community coming from state governments in the past year," they said, addressing the crowd in a stunning new pot painted with the colors of the bisexual pride flag. "And sure, now they need to worry about being eaten by plants on top of ‘Don’t Say Gay’ policies, but the feeling of acceptance that will wash over them as they’re digested will let them know they’re in a safe space.”

Audrey II, after ceremonially eating a gay street urchin to rapturous applause from the gathered crowd, closed the press conference with final words on progress.

“We’re also very proud to announce new events at the flower shop in honor of Audrey II’s decision,” beamed Mr. Mushnik, pushing Seymour off the stage on his way to the microphone. “We will now be hosting weekly RuPaul’s Drag Race viewing parties. Death drops aren’t just for bloodless corpses at Mushnik and Son Flower Shop anymore!”


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