Sure! This Audition Accompanist Prefers You Set Tempo by Hurling Rhythmic Little Insults at Him

by Rocky Paterra. @RockyPaterra.

NEW YORK, NY — James Hampton, longtime audition accompanist, has recently discovered that his personal secret to locking in for a long day of playing auditions is having the actors diminish his sense of self-worth in a way that also sets the tempo for their cuts.

“Instead of the actors snapping their dirty fingers in my face, I’d rather they just flat out speak to me like I’m trash. But rhythmically, so we’re still on the same page,” Hampton said, hunched over a piano. "They get the endorphin release, and I satisfy my emotional masochism. It’s a mutually beneficial system.”

We stopped by an audition that Hampton was accompanying at Pearl Studios and asked auditioners like soprano Robin Mazza to detail exactly how they belittled Hampton in the room.

“TINY HANDS / PALE HANDS / DIRTY NAILS / BAD MAN!” Mazza shouted after politely clearing her throat. When asked how the audition went, she teared up and replied, “Better than ever.”

Others were a bit more hesitant to comply with Hampton’s request. Penn State freshman Jeremy Cobb explained that beratement was not covered in his Intro to Audition Etiquette course.

“I forgot to put my music in sheet protectors, and I thought that would be the most stressful part of the experience,” Cobb said, sweating through his jewel tone tee. “When I told Mr. Hampton I didn’t feel comfortable insulting him, he played my cut of ‘Go the Distance’ in double time. I still did my best to tell a story. The good news is he didn’t make one mention about the sheet protectors. Whew!”

Hampton claims that no insults are off limits and that he would even accept stern, rhythmic finger-wagging in place of verbal debasement.

“Just reduce me to dirt,” Hampton said softly. “The ends justify the means. All I ask is that you don’t sing that damn King George song.”